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imagesnails replied to your photo: My lack of enthusiasm for the dentist isn’t helped…

And this ISN’T the German one???

My German dentist—Dr.Tanz—certainly didn’t have Wendy Williams playing in the X-ray room, so this is a step up.

Here’s a new project Amy and I started, borne of her watching Deadwood for the first time and grappling with the cognitive dissonance it causes: everything in this show is literally covered in shit, and yet it’s oddly fun to watch
Beyond that, Amy is very funny.

Here’s a new project Amy and I started, borne of her watching Deadwood for the first time and grappling with the cognitive dissonance it causes: everything in this show is literally covered in shit, and yet it’s oddly fun to watch

Beyond that, Amy is very funny.

This show’s as dark as The Simpsons is funny.

- Amy, on Deadwood

It’s however you think of me: as a mollusk or a girlfriend

- Amy, after I asked whether she’d prefer to be cited as her real name or as Snails, her blog name.

Tags:

snails

It is the source of all my problems. You’d think it’d be my heart, but it’s my butt.

- Amy, after I said, “Your colon is the source of all your problems.”

A conversation with my girlfriend, while Mary Poppins was paused (or: why I can't think and talk good at the same time)

She: I will never have what Mary Poppins had. I want her sixteen-inch waist. Like Dita Von Teese.

Me: You have a very small waist.

She: It's twenty-four inches, not sixteen.

Me: I think in order to get a sixteen-inch waist, Dita Von Teese had to have her ribs removed.

She: She didn't have her ribs removed.

Me: Really?

She: Yeah.

Me: Dita Von Ribs didn't have her teets removed?

She: (long pause) She certainly didn't have her teets removed.

Me: Oh.

She: Dita Von Ribs, coming to a McDonald's near you.


You may glory in a team triumphant, but you fall in love with a team in defeat. Losing after great striving is the story of man, who was born to sorrow, whose sweetest songs tell of saddest thought, and who, if he is a hero, does nothing in life as becomingly as leaving it.
—Roger Kahn | The Boys of Summer

After my first season of following baseball, I am beginning to understand why this sport teaches its fans not to cheer for their team to win, but to cheer for them not to lose. While losing is certainly devastating, winning staves off that devastation and quietly builds hope that maybe the team will continue not to lose, all the way until it wins. 
Granted, Magic Johnson nearly liquidated his solid-gold sex island in a vain effort to win — and didn’t — but then what is a season of baseball but another chance to build hope that we’ll continue to not lose some more next year? 
Have a great postseason, San Francisco! Don’t lose!
Especially to the Yankees.

You may glory in a team triumphant, but you fall in love with a team in defeat. Losing after great striving is the story of man, who was born to sorrow, whose sweetest songs tell of saddest thought, and who, if he is a hero, does nothing in life as becomingly as leaving it.

—Roger Kahn | The Boys of Summer

After my first season of following baseball, I am beginning to understand why this sport teaches its fans not to cheer for their team to win, but to cheer for them not to lose. While losing is certainly devastating, winning staves off that devastation and quietly builds hope that maybe the team will continue not to lose, all the way until it wins. 

Granted, Magic Johnson nearly liquidated his solid-gold sex island in a vain effort to win — and didn’t — but then what is a season of baseball but another chance to build hope that we’ll continue to not lose some more next year? 

Have a great postseason, San Francisco! Don’t lose!

Especially to the Yankees.

I’m going to rename this show: Walt’s Fault

- Snails, on Breaking Bad

…a new law, called the Schrader Ordinance, is put into effect. It cracks down on punks.

-

SDH, predicting the Breaking Bad series finale.

(via snails)

Let’s put a fried egg and arugula on a pizza!

- Nobody

“I love being at The Del. Or as we call it in NorCal: Del.”
—AG

“I love being at The Del. Or as we call it in NorCal: Del.”

—AG

“Welcome to PETCO Park, home of the visiting team’s fans.” 
—AG

“Welcome to PETCO Park, home of the visiting team’s fans.”
—AG

Mango smoothie, frappuccino, and parfait. A hearty breakfast.

Mango smoothie, frappuccino, and parfait. A hearty breakfast.